Sincere Apology Not Acknowledged

Several months ago I was asked in an email by a now former friend not to contact her again. What prompted her email was what I realize in hindsight was a far too intense and verbose letter. Although my therapist who read the letter before I sent it called it "beautiful" and encouraged me to send it, the letter was not well received.

It had been an attempt to express my confusion over the direction our friendship had been going over the last several months as this not long-term, but once very close friend appeared to become more and more distant to the point of not having any time to see me in person or talk on the phone.

She leads a very busy life, as do I, but I couldn't understand why someone who once said such wonderful things about our friendship had not been able to find time for me in nearly a year, despite living about 10 minutes away.

I trusted her completely and had opened up to her in ways I had never opened up to another friend. I even admitted having developed feelings for her, which I have come to regret, though at the time she said she was glad I trusted her enough to admit this.

I feel like my admission (which was given out of a desire to be totally honest, not because I thought we could be more than friends, which I realized was not an option), along with my fear of losing her friendship, drove her away.

In her last email to me, my former friend accused me of being selfish and being a terrible friend who projected all of my issues onto her. She said it wasn't like we were long-term friends and she cut me off. But even in the relatively short time we were friends, the friendship was extremely meaningful to me and I miss her terribly.

Just over a week ago, 8 months after my ex-friend's final email to me, I emailed her what I regarded to be a sincere apology.

I apologized for driving her away because of my own insecurities, for writing things about my assumptions/fears that came across as accusations, and for not telling her more often what I valued about our friendship.

I assured her that I never intended to hurt her and was sorry for asking of her more than she could give. I did not ask anything of her, only apologize and state that I hoped one day she could forgive me.

Although to her credit I did not ask for a response in my apology, I would have hoped that had my former friend cared at all about me she might have acknowledged my apology. It is so painful to care so much for someone, only to realize that this person wants nothing to do with you and would choose to disregard a heartfelt apology rather than either consider reconciliation or at least acknowledge your existence and attempt to reconnect.

I feel abandoned and unwanted and would welcome any kind thoughts about my situation.

To me a friend you care about as much as I care about my now former friend is worth fighting for, but since my effort at a sincere apology fell on deaf ears, I don't know where to go from here.

Clearly any further attempt at reconciliation on my part at this time would be unwise, but should I lose hope entirely or consider trying to reach out again at some point in the future?

I would welcome any kind responses from this website of people who understand the importance of apology and forgiveness.

Thank you in advance for anyone who is willing to offer their thoughts on this situation. I just can't believe things got to the point that they did and while I have forgiven my former friend in my heart for our falling out and her apparent disinterest in reconciliation, I fear I may never be able to forgive myself.

Comments for Sincere Apology Not Acknowledged

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Same situation.
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain. I recently apologized to a friend I hurt a few years ago. I have yet to hear back from them, but its really racking my brain to not have a response.

I empathize with you when you say that you feel unwanted and that they'd much rather ignore you and your entire existence than to hear you out and reconcile.

It's valid though because of how much I hurt them but it just really hurts to put yourself out there and gain that much courage to write a sincere apology just to sit with this feeling of being stuck and not knowing what to do.

I'm a big people pleaser so it's giving me anxiety that I can't fix this relationship.

Maybe they've moved on and I thought by apologizing and taking responsibility for what I've done would help but I feel like it just made matters worse on my end at least.

But I'm learning to try to let it go and find peace with the fact that the universe knows you're sorry.

You did all that you could do and now it is out of your hands. Give yourself enough credit for even finding that courage to speak up and take ownership.

Now it's time to move on and learn from your mistake. That's all you really can do.

NOTE (From the PA Team): The person who posted this offers some sage advice in the last 3 paragraphs of their comment.

You may not be forgiven by the person you've hurt but if you've taken responsibility, did what needs to be done in apologizing then you need to show yourself some grace, forgive yourself and learn from your mistake.

Lesson learned
by: Anonymous

I am currently grieving a friendship with a former friend. We are also coworkers who work in the same department and she is also in a supervisory role as trainee.

We fell out over work ethic differences...and it was not the first time.

As before, she stopped speaking to me, but this time she was selected to begin supervisor training. I have attempted to reach out to repair our friendship, or at least speak on a professional level.

She rebuffed my apology and refuses to speak to me even if we must work together on an assignment. To avoid further friction I conceded and I do not try to communicate with her unless it's work related. I avoid the nosy questions from other coworkers, to reduce the already rampant gossip.

I feel as if I was invested more in us being friends than she was. Perhaps that was your and your former friend's dynamic as well.

End of Friendship
by: Anonymous

I am currently in a similar situation but with my friend. I helped her with learning English, she is from a foreign country and when began helping each other out with her native language and mine.

At first things were going great we talk daily, then she said that since summer was here she could not do this all the time. I agreed and we set up time to talk a few days a week.

As we continued learning from each other the friendship grew , she began sharing videos of her city, her family, was really great, then about 2 weeks ago it changed.

I began texting her too much, became clingy, she backed off, we had a big disagreement Thursday evening July 19th and has not talked to me since.

I sent her a message saying that I need time to collect my thoughts and today I sent her an apology explaining it was not anything she did but my actions caused this, still no reply.

I think I may have to walk away from it, I miss our friendship but I cannot force someone to be my friend that would be cruel.

In the same situation
by: Anonymous

I am right in the same situation. Struggling to let go of it. No use putting energy in someone who does not want to invest in a friendship....

Compassion
by: Amalia

Hey there, I am firstly very sorry that this has happened to you.You have obviously followed all the decent and civilised codes of moral behaviour by apologising sincerely and trying to show her that you had a special relationship that should be continued.

Now, take a deep breath and let it out. Draw a line in your mind between what you had and what you have.

Is it possible, just consider it for one moment, that she was playing you because her life was lacking in something at the time of your friendship.

This exact situation happened to me, and it took me a long time to admit that she was flirting with me because it felt good for her ego, and mine. As painful as her loss is, I think you need to let go.

If you are meant to be genuine friends or even lovers then you will find a way back to her without even thinking about her.

You need to let her go to see things clearly. Be kind to your heart and give yourself a break. And remember, she is one person in the world, only one.

Let it go
by: Anonymous

You were more than a friend to her than she was to you.

Sometimes it's better
by: Anonymous

I too had a fleetingly intense friendship with a woman who was actually a neighbor and incredulously, at the same time, a romantic rival for my boyfriends affections.

We became friends when I knew nothing about her, and she knew everything about me. We bonded over the idea of the men in our lives straying and acting like jerks, until I realized she had been playing both sides of the fence. Mind you, she had a boyfriend already so she didn't need mine.

I said some horrible things to her and we called it quits for a few months. Then I sent her an apology because of the harsh things I said to her (but she never to me although engaging in sexual acts with my boyfriend certainly merits something?)
I did because I genuinely missed her. Then, wouldn't you know, she started calling him again? This time-I was DONE. Save yourself trouble: LET HER GO

Never Give Up Hope
by: Anonymous

It sounds like all of us on here have dealt with an unacknowledged apology. We must look at it as a learning experience from God. One thing we can learn from the pain is that, we too,never do this same thing to someone when we get put in that situation. It truly eats at our inner core, and all you want is a response. Good or bad. Who knows...they may be put in our shoes tomorrow, then that acknowledgement we are looking for just may come.

Let it go
by: Anonymous

I think many have gone through something like this. I'm sure you both were hurt and she just handles her emotions differently. I had a friend of 33 years and I trusted her with my life, (that's a lot of trust for me because I'm not a trusting person) I never thought she'd do me or anyone for that matter so badly. I can't go into details but I lost everything I owned due to her actions. I was left with the clothes I was wearing and went through, am still going through hard times.

I've always been told what a strong person I am, and it seems they are right because I've landed on my feet again.

She's living in a beautiful new home now, that's been furnished from top to bottom. I admit it's been hard to witness everything that's transpired this past year from the church taking up a very nice donation that I was not included in to being separated and the death of one of my babies (to some their just dogs, I assure you to me they are not) me having to live with a man I'd never lived with in my life and now he's in his 2nd stage of Alzheimer's (yup my father) well that went over like a hooker in church!

Letting go of a friend is worse than a divorce to me. 33 years and we'd never even had an argument. I've had plenty of time to step back and look at this whole situation. This person was never my best friend, if she had been she wouldn't have made such a selfish decision.

Yes it hurts and it probably will for a very long time, but loss is a part of life and I can live with the choices I've made. Well most of them.

I came on this Web page in search of an apology letter. Yeah that's right, I'm not the best at expressing my feelings (anger yes, from the heart not so much) anyway I was not just rude I was a total b**** to a really nice guy I went to JR. High with. I have no excuse except the fact that I'm a "b**" as he put it, and he was right.

So if you feel you've done everything right on your end then my advice to you is let it go. As for me I'm going to make my wrongs right and apologize to Robert.

Let it Go
by: Anonymous

As I read your comments, I can feel how sincerely you apologized and how deeply you want this friend back.

However, it might be best to allow this to stop. You have done what you could. She understands that you are sorry. But she is not receptive to continuing a friendship with you. This does not mean that you'll never have other friends, or that you can't find happiness elsewhere.

Sometimes, two friends go their separate ways. In this case, it's probably for the best that you wave goodbye to her in your mind, and peacefully accept that now your life is different and you are free to find and develop other friendships elsewhere.

Let it go. Move on, interact with others. Do some volunteer work. Avoid situations where you can become confused in your relationships. Realize that a friendship and a romantic relationship are not the same thing. They can co-exist.

Avoid getting too lonely by getting out and helping others; avoid dwelling on this. Again, let it go, for everyone's sake. Best wishes for new beginnings and lots of happiness.

know the feeling
by: Anonymous

You may have to "walk away". Hope, pray, wish, etc ... maybe he/she will realize the loss of you. I too am in the same situation. It hurts so very much.

Thanks
by: Moriarty

I very well know how it feels to be neglected by a close friend like this. Believe me, I have been through this once and it really did take some time for me to get over it. This will pass and if the friendship really meant anything, they will eventually come back.

I understand your feelings!
by: Anonymous

I am not sure how long ago you posted this. I just wanted to write and say, this happened to me, and I understand how difficult it is. I wrote a sincere apology letter, and offered forgiveness (even if she didn't believe she had done anything wrong). I checked the letter with my best friend and my sister, and both agreed it was loving and kind, and I should send it.

So I sent it electronically. And months later, I know she's received it and opened it, but I still have had no response or acknowledgement from her.

I think of this like grief. We had a fight, I cut her out, then regretted it and reached out to her many times with a full apology and regret. So currently, I am grieving our friendship. I probably always will.

I have anger and resentment and frustration for her, I also have sadness that we aren't friends anymore. I still miss her. I still love her and wish her nothing but the best. And so, like grief, I'll experience this again and again, but less intensely as time goes on.

I hope you can remember these things: be kind to yourself. Remember that you lost a dear friend, and that is very sad. (It doesn't matter how long or short your friendship was. Your feelings are still valid.) Make time and room in your heart for new friends. Remember that it's OK to still love this person, even if she doesn't love you back. Try to hold tight to your feelings of loving kindness toward her.

Remember that life is (hopefully!) long, and you may one day hear from her when she really needs you. In the meantime, don't write more, don't reach out more - unless you haven't yet said, "I'll always be here, here's my contact information."

Remember that you don't really know what she's going through; if you can't imagine the kind of person who would treat you this way, maybe that's not the kind of person you would want as a friend.

I hope some of this is helpful to you. Be well!

I feel you man
by: Anonymous

I'm having the same problem right now. My former best friend has told me to my face that he wants to forgive me but that he never will.

You see, what you have to do in situations like these is consider your options. In your case, it's not really your fault, and what you have to do is first forgive yourself. If you are sitting all day feeling sad for yourself, how do you expect everything to become alright? Man up.

You said she lives 10 minutes away from you, so go over to her place, and tell her how you feel. Don't just give some half-hearted apology. Talk about the good times, ad how you treasured every moment. Try to talk about the bad times too, and say that despite what happened, you always thought that you'd be friends forever.

Good luck man.

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