I've been doing a great deal of thinking over the last few days, although to the world I have been decorating and cleaning, I've gone round and round our relationships and how to make things better and create something free of the past and all it's constraints.
I'm writing to all of you because I'm finding that love, openness and honesty in life are more important to me than being right... And because you guys experienced the best and worst of me.
I apologise unreservedly for all the times I judged you and all I said to you, and even worse to others in the family about my perceived judgements. I should not have found you wanting in so many ways.
I could excuse myself about learned behaviour and indeed, I was brought up in this way... I was repeating old patterns and I am working very hard to stop this. It's a great failing and I'm trying to be kinder these days. I want my kindness to extend to the three most important people in my world.
David, you were my first born and my only son. There was nothing more special than our relationship when you were young. I love you for all that. I was too controlling and this came from a place of wanting you to be perfect... Without seeing that you were already. I'm proud of you.
Jenny, my precious Wren who never felt my love for you... You were my first daughter and I so wanted to mend all the mother/daughter problems that had developed over the family history. You are here to mend your dad too and through my jealousy, I did not make you comfortable with that. I also was too controlling and didn't trust you to flower into who you have become. I'm proud of you.
Lizzie, my last born who did feel my love but suffered so very much about not being good enough, you are so very special as my last child. You have felt my anger and my possessive nature and I was so harsh, I'm sorry for that. I'm proud of you.
I'm evolving and turning my course and want that future course to run smooth.
There will be storms ahead, but my attitude towards them have changed... I'm a better pilot now.
I am fortunate in my present, and I want you all to relax and be free when you visit, call or see me.... I want to move on. There is always a spare room here for all of you to take a breath from the world, I'll listen, give you space and keep you fed and warm... That's the best of me and I want to be that for you... Where my home is will always be your home, your refuge.
I think that's about it... All this just spurted out of me, but it comes from my heart, wherein you all reside for eternity.
Another heartfelt apology from a mother named Caryn to her daughter...
An Apology to my Daughter
To my beautiful daughter K,
I am so sorry for all the times I have let you down. I try to be as loving a mother as I can be, but I have obviously not succeeded to the level you deserve.
I just want you to know I am so sorry for the stupid things I have done in the past, and I never ever meant to hurt you. That was never and will never be my intention.
But regardless, I will no longer make excuses for why I hurt you the way I did with my thoughtlessness. I will only focus on making it up to you, so one day you can truly forgive me.
I will be there for you no matter what, and SHOW my love to you, not just say the words.
I look forward to the day when you don't feel any more of that deep rooted anger and resentment towards me, and all you feel is love.