Sorry Girlfriend, My Sincere Apology To You

by Elise

Karthik....I honestly don’t know where to start with this. I was an absolute bitch to you, and I didn’t even realize it. You deserve the world and I gave you nothing. I treated you like absolute crap and you most definitely didn’t deserve that. I took all my anger and hatred out on you and I will forever hate myself for that.

I am disgusted with myself that it took me so long to realize that. I hurt you so badly and I didn’t even know it.

I am responsible for all those fights, those terrible words, and actions. I am the reason we cannot be in the same vicinity. I am the reason that when we look at each other, we turn away to avoid eye contact.

I’m sorry for the depression and pain that I have caused you.

I’m sorry for all the time my pride got in the way, and for all the words I said. I have ruined your trust, and you didn’t deserve that.

I’m sorry I didn’t give you the love and respect you deserved, and where it made the words "I love you" leave a bitter taste in your mouth. I’m truly sorry for everything I’ve put you through.

I’ve been so caught up lately in my life, that I failed to realise what was happening in yours. Blaming things on my BPD or my medication was awful, and I now take full responsibility for my actions. Blaming my behaviour on any outside force is unacceptable.

For months of us not talking, I was secretly hoping each and every day that you would say something, that you would break the silence. How naïve I was, thinking that you would need to apologize. I’m the one who needs to own up, not you.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, maybe the only thing was trusting me again.

I’m sorry for gaslighting you. I’m sorry for calling you a narcissistic a**hole. I’m sorry for all the other pain I have put you through.

I’m sorry for starting all those fights, for making you stay up to console me. I’m sorry for dumping all my problems on you when you have it so much worse. But I’m mostly sorry for ever doubting you.

I know how every time we got in a fight, I would apologize saying that I had changed when in fact I had barely changed if at all. By not talking to you for months, I have given myself sometime to truly reflect on what I have done, and to write this.

I’m sitting here writing this in the music rooms as I hear you play. Oh god you’re incredible. You’re the nicest, smartest, funniest person I’ve ever met. Although it sounds extremely corny, I spend all day reminiscing about what we used to be.

I honestly wouldn’t be here without you. You are the reason I am still alive.

I’m absolutely not asking for us to get back together, or even for us to be too close, as I fear I will only end up hurting you again, and you don’t deserve to go through that for a second, third, or whatever time we’re up to.

All I am asking is for you to read this and really try and find somewhere in your heart where you could maybe forgive me.

It’s completely fine if you don’t, I wouldn’t if I were in your shoes. I’m writing this because I feel guilty. I wanted to pour out my true emotions into this for you to finally understand what I’ve been thinking about all these months.

Thank you for everything.

- Elise