To my Classmate, Friend, Sister & Potential Business Partner
I must acknowledge that this letter comes very late, but hopefully not so late that you’re unwilling to consider restoring our friendship. Since December last year, when you sent that text about wanting to disconnect, I have had a lot of time to think over what you said then and what you said in various conversations before then.
It’s only now that I realize I was not a good friend to you and I apologize.
I am asking for your forgiveness for several things I now realize caused you heartache and confusion. I don’t think I could really understand back then, but I do now and so now I am asking for your forgiveness.
You were a true friend to me- really. But more than your friendship, you showed me kinship and treated me like family.
You have from day one been a reliable source of social support and I neglected to realize how rare you are and how much I valued your companionship.
When I think back to when we first met in 2017, you asked me if I wanted a ride home that night after class because I didn’t have my own car yet. You didn’t even know how far away I stayed, and I realize now that was the mark of someone who cared.
What’s more is how you continued to allow me to ride with you even after I got a car. Even though I gave you my word that I would split the driving 50/50 once I got my car, I never did. At least not to the promised 50%.
I realize that was not only selfish of me, but it demonstrates a measure of ungratefulness that I am ashamed of and I used you so I didn’t have to expend my resources on gas money.
I’m sorry for acting like this towards you when you had only shown me kindness.
Beyond the lack of reciprocity that I showed you, I realize I was acting like a complete a**hole by constantly talking about women and highlighting to you the ones I found attractive.
I can understand now that as a woman yourself, you didn’t want to hear that kind of conversation. Moreover because of your romantic feelings for me, you took my words about how attracted I was to other women as extremely hurtful.
I’m sorry for not refraining from that type of conversation in front of you and I’m sorry for knowingly and intentionally talking about women just to annoy you.
I was being childish because there were times when your success made me feel small and I figured the only way I could get back at you was doing something I knew you didn’t like and that was mentioning my attraction to other women.
In those moments I demonstrated low character and I was not being a friend.
As someone who struggles with low self-esteem, your strong sense of self, your confidence, your successes and your joy all made me angry and I wanted you to be angry too. This is why I continued to make mention of various women- because I KNEW that it would upset you and my internal state of misery wanted company.
Please forgive me for being a jerk in those situations and acting without regard for your feelings. I should have shown you more respect and consideration.
Although this letter is getting long, there is more I must acknowledge and apologize for.
I realize now that many of my actions were misleading and I’m sorry for the confusion I caused you. I would routinely try to spend a lot of time with you. I want you to know that was because I’m a lonely soul and I don’t like my own company and being around a woman validates me.
Your kindness and your giving nature are a magnet for selfish people like me.
The routine rides to the supermarket, to work and work-related functions and to social activities together really gave me a sense of connection to a high value woman and that made me feel like a person of worth.
I realize now how you could have interpreted all that time together as my attempt to seek more from our connection than just friendship and ultimately that was not my intent. Moreover, inviting myself to Thanksgiving dinner with you and your family, initiating the Spring Break trip to Florida that was spent at your parent’s home and offering you to share my hotel room at the conference were all actions I now realize were confusing to you.
I see now how you believed those actions meant I wanted something more from you, relationally and I’m sorry.
But again, your company fed my self-esteem, I realize now it wasn’t appropriate for me to use you in that way. I relied on you to fill me up and now that we aren’t friends I feel depleted and deflated.
Please, forgive me.