To the man I prayed for a future with... There are so many thoughts and feelings flowing through my mind and body, yet I sit here with no words to describe how much I love you.
Great, I'm crying already and I'm only getting started.
I met you a couple of months ago, and since then so much has changed. When we first started talking, I did not realize how important you would become to me. Thank God for Snapchat's quick ass option (inside joke)!
You came into my life with a confidence like no other, making me absolutely hysterical just to grab my attention; pretending you had a fob (no offense) accent and only knew of "futbal".
Little did I know in that moment that you would be the guy I've been asking for my whole life.
From that day forward, I fell for you hard.
I found myself wanting to spend all of my time talking to you. I would make sure that I was free at 4:20 every day so that I could call you as soon as you got out of class.
I wanted to hear about your day, listen to you complain about how your math prof wore that stupid green alligator sweater every single day, and laugh like an idiot when you'd answer the phone with "sooo did you miss me?".
You are the only person I actually completely ruined my sleep schedule for and didn't think twice about it; I'd fall asleep at 4 a.m., on a good day, just to wake up at 5:30 a.m. for work.
But none of that mattered, because I knew I loved you and you were worth it all. I enjoyed your company and just being with you, even if we weren't having a conversation. When I am with you, I feel like I am on top of the world.
When I think of you and me, I feel safe. You make me feel secure and comfortable around you and I know I can trust you with my life.
The thought of being in your arms fills my body with a sense of security and reassures me that I am safe. I feel invincible because you are by my side.
Through all of my ups and downs, you stayed with me although you were hurting more than me.
Everything about you makes me happy and I smile whenever I think about you.
Your personality, your sense of humor, your singing and dance moves even though they aren't better than mine. The reassurance you never failed to give me, the endless compliments from you, the way you make me laugh until my stomach and mouth hurt, how great you are with kids, your sweet words, how you run out of breath when you say IUPUI.
The way you love so deeply, when you ask me how work at the gas station went, your patience for me, the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you're passionate about like basketball.
When you use the wrong "to" no matter how many times I correct you. How caring and compassionate you are, when you embarrass me in drive-thrus, and most importantly, how you understand me even without me having to say anything.
You always made me feel like a priority and made time for me.
Like when I called you in the middle of the night because I had a nightmare. You were celebrating a friend's 21st yet you still picked up and talked to me until I fell back asleep. Again, you reminded me how crazy in love I was with you.
Now, for my apology.
I cannot begin to describe how sorry I am for the pain I've caused you these past months. You were nothing but good to me and I kept hurting you. You gave your all to me since the day I met you, and I was never able to reciprocate that.
When I focused all of my attention on you, a wise man told you not to pursue a relationship at this point in your life. Of course that hurt me, and made me slowly distance myself.
I knew I loved you this whole time but I pushed away from you because I was scared of getting my heart broken by you.
That's the main reason why I made those mistakes, because I knew you didn't want to be with me or date me. But, I ended up hurting myself anyways because I lost you for good.
If only you can begin to imagine how great we could be together...
Right person, wrong time? 100%.
I'll be the first to admit that I have made way too many mistakes down this journey with you and I wish I could go back in time and make it all right. You didn't deserve to go through that nor was it fair to you. I wish that I could take it all back but I can't.
I'm human and unfortunately, I make mistakes.
All I can do is learn from my mistakes and make sure to never put someone through the same situation as you.
Honestly speaking, I am sad that you left at the time you did. I needed you the most at this point in my life but you are not here anymore.
You are right though, I don't think anyone will love me or care for me as much as you did and that is what breaks my heart the most.
When I lost you, I also lost a best friend and someone I saw myself settling down with. I'm sorry I realized all of this now instead of earlier.
You put all of your time and effort into me and I only gave you little pieces of me.
Instead of focusing on what God blessed me with, I paid attention to someone who didn't even love me. That's my own fault. Even though I didn't show it all of the time, I cared for you like no other.
Please don't ever forget that or question my feelings towards you. You've asked me to leave you alone and as much as I really don't want to do that, I'm going to respect your wishes.
I hope one day, you find it in your heart to forgive me and you will let me try to fix the mess I have made. If not, I hope nothing but the best for your future.
You're going to do great in life and be very successful—you really are one of a kind. And I can't wait until you find your person because she will truly be the luckiest girl in the world.
I will always be here for you so never hesitate to reach out whenever you need someone to talk to. Or I can send you more dancing videos so that you can expose me to the whole world.
I'm here for you no matter what, but I will definitely expect a call when you have an emergency—especially a paper cut emergency.
It's time to listen to Break Up to Make Up by Jeremih or watch Namaste London and laugh and cry at once ;-)