It was probably a Friday night when I was running around trying to get this stupid machine to work while at work and the police officer (it's an emergency room and he was with a prisoner) tried helping me to fix the problem.
Truth is I couldn't tell you if the machine got fixed or not, but what I can say is 1) he had amazing eyes and 2)later on I was handed a little piece of paper with a name, a phone number, and stating (cop) in parenthesis. I have to admit I laughed and I laughed hard.
This guy was maybe just a few years older than my daughter. I'm a divorced mom, raising 2 kids. To date one is 20 and one is 16.
Mistakes? I've made a million, but it sure is harder than judgmental people can say to be mom and dad while working full time, not collecting child support, and supplying them their every desire simply out of guilt.
I live a life of guilt. Not really because of any wrong doing on my end, its just a burden I hold onto. Its a burden that I wish I didn't have, but do and sometimes is detrimental to my relationships.
So a few texts here and a few texts there and after a few months, maybe 3 or 4 I finally agreed to go to a movie. Was it a date? Absolutely not!
After a few of these non dates, texting, and a lot of talking I really started to enjoy this man. My daughter even said to my friend she's going to fall and she's going to fall hard.
My life has consisted of work, work, and more work. Make the money, have everyone else spend the money and no worries, mom will make more. Well this man, this man who has no business interfering with my life because he is still wet behind the ears, this man who is too young for me, this man who is to young for his own damn self is slowly but steadily stealing my heart.
What you need to understand is this heart is not only under lock and key, but is under lead weights, 50lbs of dried cement, buried in 20ft of quick sand, and also has a 50ft brick wall standing around it.
This man, this young buck is taking my heart and is melting it as quickly as butter in a hot pot. While I thought I had so much to teach him, he had ten fold to teach me.
I learned about respect. Street respect that is. I learned about family. I learned about the love and protection of family. I learned more than I can put into words. But here I am.....an older, more mature woman, knowledgeable, educated, head strong, or simply stubborn a better word.
Long story short, because I am reminded by this wonderful man that I talk too much and never get to the point, I am madly, deeply, sincerely head over heels in love with a man by societies sake I have no business being in love with.
You see this man....he is beautiful. He is dark haired, olive to darker skinned, Spanish, beautiful HUGE brown eyes, and an amazing and I mean amazing body. The muscles on this man would make a straight man go gay just because...... well how do i summarize in that I ruined it. Did I realize at the time what I was doing? NO, BUT in hindsight I guess I can see now.
I never meant to invade his space. I NEVER MEANT TO take over his privacy. I never meant to hurt this man in the many many ways I hurt him. I had major surgery.
This is a 25 year old man who is just starting a new job after being laid off for many months, a 25 year old man who is now concerned about paying all of the household bills including his own, a 25 year old man who actually had to shower (and more) this grown as woman when he should be doing what? He should be celebrating. Celebrating life, this 25 yr old should be doing!
His career is something to be thinking of certainly not the responsibilities of what I have now burdened him with. Yes I feel I have burdened him. So what does this woman do? Not even completely aware of what she is doing? She sets him up for failure. She sets herself up for failure. She looks for trouble and not even realizing it until this young buck tells her so.
She hurts him in a way that she has promised to never do. She hurts him in away that most likely cannot be taken back. She takes his things and throws them down the stairs with no regard of what the stuff is or how it may affect him.
I simply knew it was going to hurt him. Don't get me wrong, I was being manipulated by some hood rat at the same time which was brewing my anger, but this man, this 25 year old man has taken on my now 20 year old and 16 year old on as his own children. He has mentored them, he has loved them, he has brought all of us closer together. And how do I repay him?
I disrespect him and his space. He has taken on the role to take care of me, he has taken on the role of helping with the bills while I am out of work, he has taken on the role of being the man of the house.
Now to make this even more complicated and yet more understanding, I am 39 years old with a 20 yr old and a 16 yr old. I never in a million years thought of having more children let alone settling down again.
Well here is where we are all wrong. I cannot even envision myself without this man, without his child, without him in my life. There is so much to this 4 year relationship as there is to all 4 year relationships, but let me say this.... why I sabotage what I know damn well is the best thing I have in my life, why I sabotage the goodness, the purest, the most sincerest things in my life are.....I will never know.
I will never know why I hurt and lost the trust of the only man who I trust my life with. I will never know why I hurt the man who has treated me with the most respect I have ever received.
All's I can say is that yes I have become jealous. I have so much to lose. All's I can say is that I do not know why I have mistreated the man that I love with all of the love I have to offer.
Truth is all I can do is proclaim my love to the man that has shown me more in the past few years of life about life then I have learned in my lifetime.
For a young buck wet behind the ears he has shown me more than I care to admit, but most of all he has shown me about love and family.
So in summary, yes I screwed up, yes I hurt you unimaginably, but please don't think I am not paying the consequences. Because I saw my life with you and only you. With our children, you and I starting our own family- growing our family- learning, loving, and moving forward with a love that I have never experienced, nor knew existed.
I love you Rolando R. For all of my flaws, mistakes, trials, and tribulations I love you.
I love that young buck who I said I would never fall for and here I am, currently lost without him because of my own jealous stupidity.
I apologize. I apologize for all of it. I apologize for the heartbreak. I know that my own heart has nearly stopped beating. I know that I am not complete without you. I know that I should have been a better person to you.
You deserve nothing but the best. You deserve amazing and wonderful things. You deserve what I want to give you. You deserve the love you give. I can only hope and pray that someday you will realize my honesty.