For days and days now I have been wallowing in self pity. I have been miserable due to an extensive emergent back surgery that has basically made me an invalid and dependent on nearly everyone and once I was released home from being hospitalized for I believe 12 days there I go and pick a fight with the love of my life.
Not just your ordinary being cranky and intolerable fight but a fight that led me to be a disrespectful ungrateful woman throwing her lover out of the home and wrecking what I believed to be a happy home.
Of course we all have our happy home issues but in truth I was the happiest I had been in a very very long time. So I cry day and night, I have apologized to my boyfriend (now ex) numerous times, I have declared my self stupidity, self ignorance, as well as selfishness to no avail. I have turned my home into shambles.
My children see me cry day in and day out and quite frankly my friends are probably at their wits end as well due to listening to me. I have a broken back as well as a broken heart. The back will heal and as much as I know the heart will heal, I'd prefer the physical pain over the emotional pain.
So since I'm in this state and very limited in what I can and cannot do, I have time to think. Lots and lots of time to think. So what have I come to the conclusion of?
I have concluded that as disrespectful and horrible of a woman I was at that moment when I fought with my boyfriend, yes I was under under the influence of numerous medications, a life altering surgery, severe pain, potential financial ruins due to now the inability to work for months, and as horrible as I was couldn't he too of taken some of the responsibility of the fight? Of course he could have. Knowing the circumstances, of course he could have.
He could have also acknowledged the entire circumstances of our life altering stuff, and he could have tried to diffuse the fight instead of provoke it. What I have learned through out this process is as many times as I have apologized and had made the promise in the past not to be too hasty and pack his things, as many times as I had asked him to come back home, as many times as I said I understood how badly I hurt him and disrespected him, what I didn't realize is that it was me that had to change.
Not his temper, not his ego, not his feelings of being disrespected. No matter how long or short of time it takes for him to heal from his pain, if he does at all, I have to allow myself to change and to heal as well.
Don't get me wrong, I am sincerely sorry and miserable without him, I am missing him, and want nothing but him to hold me.
He hasn't asked much of me, simply kindness and respect. If I don't respect myself enough how in the world can I give him the respect he deserves?
I have thought through out my years I have learned to love myself and learned from my mistakes, but in hindsight clearly not enough. So rather than cry my eyes out day in and day out and pray the man I love and want by my side returns to me, I need to apologize to myself for not having enough faith. Not having the faith that he will stay.
He will stay during the hard times and that I do not have to end things before I am found to have been left. I am worthy. I am worthy of the love we shared, although at times I didn't believe it.
So today rather then apologize to you Rolando, I apologize to myself. I am sorry to me for not believing in myself. I am sorry to me for sabotaging our relationship because I have always been waiting for that "bomb" to drop.
I believe in the serenity prayer as you do, but I also believe in me enough that I can change my beliefs of self worth, because I have already begun to do that.
I can only give you time and give you the space that you need and deserve, but I will also give myself the time, the space, and the thoughtfulness of loving me too.
Today I say I am sorry to me. Today I remind myself I am worthy. Today I proclaim my desire and confidence that I will be the better person that I want to be. I am deserving and I am worthy.