Apology About Forgiveness for Forgiveness
(Way back home)
Hey sweets, I have needed to hear those words from your mouth. I've needed this moment with you. I know you feel crippled at heart learning about all this but I do too, and what you've said makes a lot of sense. I wish I told you sooner and I wish you understood earlier.
You think learning this now makes your love go in vain but you need to know nothing has gone in vain. Your tattoo, your feelings, and your dedication is not a loss. Please don't regret it, I've enjoyed every moment with you fully and I've been blessed.
I am bad at letting go of grudges you see, you know that about me, because you've seen it happen. I was mesmerized by your way of forgiveness.
I want to let go of all of that, deep down in my heart there's nothing I hold against you. I only hurt myself, it is not you hurting me.
I deserved to be bashed because I have been messing up all this time, you just wanted a new love and I prevented it. We are all healing from our scars and we are all moving forward.
I'm sorry I held back and sat down on the pathway of growth. I'm sorry I let myself down and put you in agony. I caused you pain by allowing myself to suffer, but I see it so clearly now and am sure of your love for me.
To let a new dawn begin the sun must set. I've not let the sun set.
I'm stuck in a paradox where I'm in love with you while also bleeding out, getting scared and insecure. I'm sorry I held back. I should walk out of that void with you but I've not done that because I'm stuck in this sunset fearful of what a new dawn may bring.
I'm lost here because I don't know if the blood will stop, but you make me heal and you make me better. I've not brought it up, but I do remember it—love.
I see that it's out there and you're already there but I got stuck in the mud. You can't run if you have one foot stuck in the mud.
I'll be honest with you, I didn't fall out of love with you. I let you assume the worst and let you express yourself. I told JJ not to tell you just yet, I loved you and still love you. I only loved you in fear though.
I know that's not so great either and nothing I'm proud of but your love is enough and it makes me smile.
I need to wake myself up. I sat in the shower for an hour thinking and saw that video again from Christmas. It shook me up and I heard a voice call out for me. I heard myself and I heard how much I love you and a feeling of bliss came over me. I want that again.
I saw everything flash and I know I want you, but that won't happen unless this foot gets out of the mud.
I'm stuck in a rut sweets, that's the phase I'm in and it must pass.. It's been a long time and believe I'm dying the more I stay in that ditch. I see the night falling and feel I'll get stuck there with the baggage of the past.
I don't want to die and I will the more I stay in that ditch because I can't be productive, I can't be awake. I play the victim. I'm weak and act like I'm too damaged.
I'm sorry for feeling so doomed. I'm so doomed you struggle to speak. Please just hold me while I try to get out. It's a form of greatness to forgive. I have nothing good left in me and realize how sick I've become. I can lay here crying, dying inside, or I can take my only shot at this life with you and never look back again.
I want to take your hand and never go back. I want to trust you and hold on to you, and get away in your little red car and live a life with one beautiful person.
I want to get the best of a loving relationship, travel and fulfill every romantic fantasy that my hopelessly romantic heart ever wanted.
I fantasize about finding myself in a house dancing with you, in the most beautiful dress and a posh outfit, dancing slowly in the dim lights whispering to each other while a little girl runs between our feet and a dog chases after her. You shout for them to stop as you try to balance the wine glass in your hand. I see a grand piano (velvet), and I see a night shining with stars after a pink sunset (because pink sunsets are special).
I hear you in my ear whispering...Hey stupid, we made it!
All this happens as I hold your hand and walk forward with you in life. Where even a career doesn't have a hold on us because we'd have the greatest family. Where living life is thrilling and not sad. Where I am with you, supporting each other financially and emotionally. Where we'd be successful because in all those prior days you'd have made a gentleman out of me.
The other life is just sadness, misery, and hopelessness with a career as the only thing that makes one smile momentarily because one feels so empty on the inside with nothing to live for. Spending our days working and trying to find the right love but never do, and end up with no one sleeping beside us in bed.
That's the life we will live if I don't take your hand. I don't want that life and I want to be happy. It's humanity's desire and purpose to be joyous and you're my joy and my pride.
Baby, what have I made of myself? I'll find nothing if I go on like this. Will you stay though?
I know you've been through too much to stay. But there's so much if you hold on. How will you trust me after all this is something I wonder. I'm standing here with my heart out, hiding nothing.
I still want to be a good human, a person who is free of any resentment and pain, no grudges. I was crying for help in my own way when I tell you small things like these, but here we are. I came clean. It's you who knows everything now.
In a relationship, there is no tit for tat, so my pain means nothing and it should be let go of. In love you move forward and forgive me.
I'm sorry Aastha. I hurt you constantly and I compared it to the past. I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry I judged our pain. I'm sorry for this sadistic personality.
Yu only ever knew the sweet boyfriend. I scared you with all this all of a sudden, when you finally started living. You got out of your ditch and I went in mine.
Nobody is coming to save me, nobody knows any better. I'm sorry I've been so deaf when you've sung the most beautiful song. I'm sorry the pain was the only thing I heard, I've been stupid.
I haven't been a responsible man, just an angry little boy who is mature but doesn't understand forgiveness
and holds grudges. I'm sorry I'm not a man yet.
I'm sorry you saw all this mess when all you knew was an adorable boyfriend who wrote letters when you got selected for an internship, who sent an online get well soon card when you were having your period. The guy that got Spotify codes randomly.
You are just experiencing this now with no clue what went down with me. I'm sorry love.
PS. I'll be going away if you don't want to talk to me again or listen to me. I know you can't break any more. I understand, no one wants pain we just want to be loved a little. I won't hurt you again. I'm sorry for being someone who hurt you, eventually even I made my way on to that list.