Terribly Sorry for the Pain I Caused

by S.
(Australia)

Dear Sarah...It has taken me almost three years to finally come to terms with the damage I’d caused and to take ownership of my own actions, and of course I don’t expect you to forgive me.

I just want for you to know that the breakdown of our friendship was never your fault. It was entirely mine.

I am very sorry for all of the hurt and pain I caused in abruptly breaking up our friendship. It must have come asa shock when I suddenly started an argument with you over a seemingly irrelevant matter, and it must have cut your heart deeply.

I want to give my real reasons of why I acted the way I did, and sincerely apologise for what I had done.

The real reason I ended up hurting you is because (unbeknownst to you) I was deeply hurt from my breakup, and was envious of your situation.

Whenever I talked about my relationship (and subsequent breakup) to you, I would always act in a flippant manner because I let pride get in the way of admitting that I was actually deeply in love with James.

This meant that you couldn’t have known that I was deeply hurt inside by the breakup. So, when you’d react very casually to my breakup, I felt angry towards you.

But this was my fault – I didn’t have the maturity to appropriately communicate how I’d really felt, and I believe that had I actually talked about it with you, this problem would not have arisen.

It wasn’t fair on you for me to be unreasonably angry, and I’m sorry that I used my anger to hurt you.

At that time, I was also hurting deeply because I felt used by my ex.

Back then, it felt unfair that I was having to experience an awful relationship and an even crappier breakup, when you seemed to be so happy in your own relationship.

Whenever you talked about how good and kind your boyfriend is in the group chat, I let my envy build a sense of resentment towards you – even though your happiness is not related to my own misfortunes.

I am sorry that my immaturity and selfishness caused you unnecessary pain and anguish. I’m sorry that I wasn’t a supportive friend who was happy for your successes, and instead let my pettiness get in the way of our friendship.

I let my anger get the better of me, and I know I'd said hurtful things that deeply pained you. I’m terribly sorry for all of the confusion, hurt, and sadness my selfishness has caused.

Even throughout our friendship, I feel that I should have been a much better friend to you. I remember you to be a kind and giving person, and I now realise that I had taken advantage of that.

As I navigated through my personal and mental health issues, you were always happy to hear me out and pick up the phone whenever I needed you, but I rarely did the same for you.

You were a good listener and always cared for me, and I am sorry that I was so self-centred that I couldn’t reciprocate your kindness. I took advantage of the fact that you weren’t assertive and took your kindness for granted.

I should never have done those things, and I am really sorry that I wasn’t a good friend to you.

I recognise that our friendship dynamic was unequal, and I deeply regret that I didn’t do better back then. I should have apologised to you directly years ago, and I wish I had the maturity back then to acknowledge my own mistakes and say sorry.

I don’t expect you to forgive me – and I recognise that what I had done is going to stay in your memories forever, and there's nothing I can do.

I only sincerely hope that within these years you’ve been able to move forward and are no longer trapped by the consequences of my toxic actions.

I wish for your success and happiness from the bottom of my heart. You deserve nothing but the best.